


The End of Days

by Tallulah



Category: Death Note
Genre: Drunk Sex, Drunkenness, M/M, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 01:54:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7339783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah/pseuds/Tallulah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They all have excuses for what happened. They all know the real reasons, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The End of Days

Matsuda reckons it's because they were drunk.

And okay, that _kind_ of makes it his fault, but it's not like he knew things were going to work out like this. He was hoping for a warm alcoholic glow and maybe one of the other two telling some embarrassing story he could bring up again later.

He went back to his apartment for a change of clothes and then stopped off at a store as he was returning to the HQ. He figured none of them had had a particularly fun New Year's, and if they all had a glass in the evening then what did it matter? They weren't really doing anything but waiting to meet with Near, anyway. (Well. Technically, they were also watching Raito, but Matsuda didn't really want to think about that. _He_ wasn't watching Raito, at any rate. He knew there wasn't any need to.)

He seizes his opportunity when he hears Raito tell Takada that he can stay with her all night tonight. Aizawa will still be on his way back from the hotel, and so probably won't make too much of a fuss if Matsuda has already opened the bottle by the time he gets back. And so as the silence through the wiretaps grows thicker and full of whispers and rustling and soft movements, Matsuda ducks down under the desk, grabs the bottle and puts it between him and Ide. "Hey, want to drink in the new year? We're only a few days late."

"What are you talking about?"

"Come on. I figured we could celebrate a little, right? I'm not saying we're going to get completely plastered. I just..." He hears his voice trail off and he wonders if this is another occasion when he's horribly misjudged things and somehow missed out on the information that no sane person would ever do this. But Ide frowns and then he just shrugs and said, "Sure, why not."

There aren't any glasses, so they drink out of coffee cups. That probably didn't help; it made it feel like it wasn't really alcohol, or like they weren't actually drinking much of it. Matsuda hadn't intended to pour refills, but as they finish their first cupfuls - he said, _cheers_ , and _Happy New Year_ and Ide smiled awkwardly and didn't answer - they finish their first cupfuls and then they're sitting in silence as if they're both realising how futile it is to try and have fun. Matsuda isn't going to put the cap on the holiday cheer, go back to work as if he's realised how stupid he's being. So he keeps topping up the cups and Ide, surprisingly, doesn't stop him.

Takada and Raito are always so quiet, Matsuda doesn't know how they manage it, and perhaps if he'd had less to drink he wouldn't actually have said this out loud. Ide blushes and then he says that perhaps Raito doesn't want to make an exhibition of himself, and that Takada is obviously just that sort of woman, always perfectly in control. Matsuda allows himself to wonder what she must be looking like right now, what the faint sounds and breaths actually mean, and then decides that really isn't a good line of thought to follow, not at work. 

"Maybe," he says, "but it's pretty hard to keep in control when you're doing _that_ , right? I mean... I mean, not that I'm regularly getting complaints from the neighbours or anything, but we can hear _everything_."

"If you know people are listening, then it's really not that difficult to keep the noise down." Ide says it absently, takes another swig of sake, and Matsuda has to fight not to do a double-take.

"When have _you_ been having sex where people can hear?" he blurts out. He realises he sounds almost injured, as if Ide has been lying to him.

"None of your business."

"You're the one who mentioned it! C'mon, Ide, you have to tell me. I mean, otherwise I'll assume you just... you just made it up to try and convince me you've got a romantic bone in your body."

Ide looks round and scowls at him but the irritation is softened by the alcohol. "It was in college, okay? I was living in dorms, the walls were pretty thin, and I didn't want people to know there was something going on."

"They would've known anyway. They would've seen a girl go into your room and not come out."

Ide rolls his eyes and then he pours himself another drink, filling the coffee cup right up to the brim this time. "Well, clearly you know all about romance, so I don't need to explain. Maybe everyone believed we were just friends."

"Oh yeah, _right_. Even you, if they saw you hanging about with a girl they'd figure you were doing it. What happened, anyway? How come you broke up?"

It wasn't like we were _going out_ ," Ide says, grumpily like Matsuda should have guessed this. "It was just a thing. Then it was decided that it wasn't okay for it to happen any more. And why I'm telling you any of this I don't know, because I can't imagine it's not going to give you more ammunition for your commentary on my love life."

"That's... that's sad." Matsuda isn't saying it just to be polite. It does seem sad, that you have someone you love, a secret romance, and then it breaks up and... when people look at you they assume you're just, just boring and don't even know what romance _is_. He wonders if that's how it happens for everyone, if you don't get married by a certain point. You can believe in love all you want, but after a while it just... stops for you. 

He doesn't like this line of thought, especially considering he's spent the last five years doing literally nothing but working and sleeping and hasn't met someone unconnected with the Kira case in god knows how long. He's about to propose another toast, when Ide - who perhaps has worked out what he's thinking - snaps, "I don't need you feeling sorry for me, thank you very much. I don't see anyone on the horizon for you either."

"Yeah," Matsuda says, "but I'm still young, I've got time. When we've caught Kira -"

"Which will be when, exactly? This case has been dragging on for years and right now the entire world hates us for doing it. Face it, Matsuda."

Matsuda doesn't want to face it, he wants to keep drinking, so he makes himself laugh and he says, "Hey, I've got to keep optimistic. Otherwise I might just as well make out with _you_ 'cause... 'cause if you're right, then I'm not going to get any from anywhere else..." 

He didn't exactly mean it to sound like, _you're the last resort_ \- he didn't really mean to suggest the idea of doing it with Ide at all - but he was drunk, and he carried on with the sentence even after he could see that it had really pissed the other guy off, and for a moment they were both just swimming on the edge of a really big argument, time enough that Matsuda reached for his cup again to get a last drink in before everything went to pieces - 

Then suddenly Ide has grabbed him, hands on either side of Matsuda's face, and is _actually_ kissing him.

Matsuda's brain is slowed down enough from the drink that it just goes _... what?_ and then _huh, that's nice_ and then Ide has pulled back from him and says, a little unsteadily, "There, are you happy now? I'd forget optimism if... if I were you."

They stare at each other and Ide is looking all truculent, like he knows he's done something completely weird but he's not going to back down and admit it. Matsuda is trying to remember what the hell you're actually supposed to do in a situation like this. A lot of guys would laugh and make fun, but he doesn't want to do that, he feels like it was kind of partly his fault too. And he can't just shrug and be all _oh, we just kissed, yeah, cool, I guess I should get on with that filing now_. You don't... you don't just _do_ that. And... he doesn't exactly want to make Ide feel like he's rubbish at it. Ide is evidently moody enough about love right now. And it wasn't a bad kiss, it was warm and sake-tasting and... not romantic, sure, probably because it was a guy, but... nice. 

He really only goes in for another kiss because he figures he can deal with looking like an idiot, whereas Ide will probably take it really seriously and Matsuda doesn't need him being grouchy, not when they're spending all their time eavesdropping on Raito together. He goes in for another kiss, only he has to get up and then he realises just how drunk he is and he doesn't want to keel over and so the next thing he knows he's sort of dropped down onto Ide's lap and they're kissing on the chair and at first Matsuda's worried it'll tip over and then he stops thinking about it because he's forgotten just how good it feels to kiss someone and be this close to them. They're kissing and Ide has grabbed hold of him again, hands tangled in his hair, and Matsuda's half-kneeling, half-standing and after a bit his legs are aching so he steps back and drops onto the floor and then Ide is down on top of him and... this is properly making out now, hands and clothes and legs all tangled together and he doesn't really know how it happened but there doesn't seem to be any reason for it to stop yet. So he kisses Ide again and pulls him close and shivers as Ide's hand brushes his stomach and then they're both fumbling with belts, hands on hands like each of them thinks the other is too dumb to work out what to do, and... that's when the door hits the wall and Matsuda tips his head back to see Aizawa gaping down at both of them.

***

Ide thinks it was all Raito and Takada's fault.

He doesn't think about sex much. Not more than most people, he reckons. He'd always had more important things to worry about, and so he was perfectly content with being single right up until he and Matsuda had to listen to Raito putting the moves on his new girlfriend every night. Although it wasn't even just that - it's not like he hasn't had noisy neighbours in the past. It was - as Matsuda just pointed out - the silence. Listening to two people screwing each other and knowing that they know they have to be careful. 

It had been back in college. Aizawa had been even more pissed off with the world than he usually is, and, being young and at university, this had manifested itself in drinking, skipping classes, and choosing an unsuitable sex partner. Ide had been quite sure that he was being used as a friend-with-the-benefit-of-not-being-a-girl but _he'd_ been young too, and it wasn't as if he'd had people queuing up to go to bed with him. Listening to Raito and Takada not making any noise has brought it all back. Stumbling up ever-lit stairwells at three a.m., not speaking or even looking at each other in case any interaction gave them away. Then, his small, dark bedroom, lit by the streetlamps outside, and Aizawa cold-fingered and tasting of beer, and no sound but both of them breathing and trying so hard not to let it turn into any other sort of sound. 

Ide doesn't particularly want to remember college. Especially not when he is spending way too much time pondering his untimely death by heart attack. Aizawa's irritation with everything isn't helping, either. Ide has kept finding himself wanting to say something inappropriate, something that directly acknowledged what had gone on, just to flag up that Aizawa wasn't the only one under strain, wasn't the only one didn't want to die, wasn't the only one sick of being stuck with the same people because everybody else was too scared to stand up for what was right. 

This was, more or less, why he kissed Matsuda, as well. He just... didn't need the guy telling him to his face _you're past it, it's over, all you get to do now is listen._ It was either kiss him, and actually see Matsuda genuinely surprised by something to do with matters of the heart, or punch him, which probably wouldn't exactly make him look like someone who wasn't uptight about his love life.

And so he kissed him, and then Matsuda kissed him back, and they're on the floor groping each other and Ide is revelling in letting go of all those thoughts which tell you what you _ought_ to be doing and just focusing on how he has really, really missed sex and what he wants to do with Matsuda next and then, of course, like his bad-tempered conscience, Aizawa walks in on them.

Matsuda tenses underneath Ide and then he sort of laughs, but he doesn't actually embark on a long string of excuses. It's a relief not to hear him start blaming Ide for the whole thing, but on the other hand it does mean Ide's going to have to do the talking. 

So he makes himself look up, stare Aizawa in the eye, and try and shake his thoughts out of the sea of sake and sex they're bathed in. (What, _I can explain? This isn't what it looks like?_ ) 

Aizawa stares back at them and blinks and then, at last, he begins, "What... what the hell do you think you're even..."

"It's my fault," Matsuda says, dazedly. "I brought stuff to drink. I... was gonna offer you some, though. It's over there, on the side."

Ide expects that to trigger a lecture, but Aizawa just takes a few hesitant steps forward and then sits down in one of the abandoned chairs, and then, after a few more moments, he pours himself a cupful of sake and gulps it back. The drink doesn't seem to help much. He just stares at them, and then at last he shakes his head and mutters, "For god's sake..."

Matsuda struggles to sit up, and Ide realises that they probably shouldn't be acting like they're just waiting for Aizawa to leave. He clambers off the other guy, slumps against the side of the sofa, and wishes he'd drunk a bit less. A minute ago it seemed like just the right amount, but a minute ago he wasn't being expected to _think_.

Matsuda sits on the floor, straightening his tie, tucking his shirt back in. At last he says, "Really. It's just... we've just both had too much. And I haven't eaten anything yet. It's not like... it's not like this is a _thing_."

"Okay," Aizawa says, "okay, let me make sure I've understood this... there's us, and there's three FBI agents, and some child genius who still plays with Lego, and we're the only people in the world trying to stop a mass murderer from taking it over. So clearly, the best use of your time is to... to become involved with each other on the floor of the headquarters. It's not as if it _matters_ what we do, or anything, is it?"

"Well, does it?" Ide doesn't see why he needs to put up with this hypocrisy. "We're just marking time, at the moment, let's be honest. Takada's not giving anything away. Near's the one setting up the plans, he's the one who thinks he's got this vital evidence. And, you know, we've been putting our all into this case since it started, god forbid we make one mistake."

"That's what you call this? A _mistake_?"

"It's not as if you've just found us sleeping _with Kira_!" Ide doesn't exactly want to stand up, but he isn't going to sit on the floor like he's being lectured, so he scrambles to his feet and manages to stride over to Aizawa in a more or less straight line. "It's not like anything any of _us_ do is going to make a difference at this stage. Near and Raito are the ones working things out, and Raito..." He stops, because he doesn't want to think about what it will really mean if he reminds Aizawa _you thought he was Kira_. He stops, and he's about to gather up more words and try and convince them all that he has nothing to be ashamed of but he doesn't manage it because Aizawa looks, all at once, as if he's given up, as if even the anger isn't powering him any more.

"You're right," he says, flatly, and Ide hears Matsuda mumble _huh?_ but Aizawa doesn't react to him, just carries on, "you're right. It's between the two of them now. What we do doesn't matter. It never did. I should have - you should have -"

Had he not been drunk, Ide would've seen this for what it most likely is; a downturn in mood brought on by the short days, or lack of contact with family, or sleepiness, or just the effect of all the concerns about Raito's trustworthiness and what it would mean if he really is Kira. But he is drunk and he hasn't seen Aizawa this miserable in a while and it's like what's really being said is, _we're going to die. The case is over, and we lose, and we're all going to die._ And if that's true, then it doesn't matter what Aizawa has seen him do. Or what he does now. 

Which makes leaning forward and kissing Aizawa an entirely reasonable response.

They didn't kiss much even back then, and it still feels strange, like too much information. He feels Aizawa tense and he can feel the guy building up to really lose his temper and so he pulls back and whispers, "Just go with it. We can sober up tomorrow."

***

Aizawa blames Near. 

Their last conversation - the brush-off, the calm request to please stop getting involved in something that no longer concerns him - has been playing over and over in Aizawa's mind and no matter how much he wants to resent the albino teenager who said it, no matter how much he wants to be irritated that the case is being swiped out from under him, he knows firstly that Near is right and secondly that Near being right suggests that he and the rest of the task force are dead men walking unless Near really, _really_ knows what he's doing.

Walking in on two of his colleagues about to have sex on the office floor only serves to underline the feeling that everything is quietly collapsing around him. He wants to shout at them, wants to ask them what the hell they think they're doing, why exactly they thought drinking most of a bottle of strong sake between them was in any way appropriate while they're meant to be working, and what in god's name possessed them to start _groping_ each other - but he can't summon up the necessary disbelief to give him the energy. Because why not, really? Because all the old certainties have been slowly peeled away over the last five years and what arguments can he summon up when he knows that their work is useless, has quite possibly been useless for years, and they could all be dead by the end of the month?

There's that. And there's the fact when Ide saunters over to him, red-faced, sleepy-eyed, hair and clothes tangled, Aizawa is suddenly yanked back to college, a time which he usually tries not to think about because he is so embarrassed for his younger self. Of course it was only ever in the dark, when they'd both had too much to drink, and it had only ever been about mutual relief - release of various frustrations - and when he'd met Eriko, when he'd realised that this was it, or that at least this could be, he'd stopped without any regret. But now it's like hearing a song from the charts back then and suddenly remembering exactly what the cheap beer smelt like, or how cold it was crossing the campus courtyard. Even as he spells out to the other two exactly how screwed they are, even as he tries to say that he's sorry for letting them get involved, he's remembering being that young, and being pissed off, and being a hell of a lot more sure of himself. And being positive that he had years to go before he died.

And then Ide kisses him and that brings things right up to date. They're under bright lights, surrounded by screens and papers and cooling cups of coffee, and both of them are, if not old, definitely no longer young, and he is _married_ now and they're at work and how on earth can he call Ide and Matsuda on the way they're acting if he promptly does exactly the same thing? 

"Just go with it," Ide is saying, and he's still very close, he smells of coffee and worn clothes and, just a little bit, the sake on his breath. The smells are jolting Aizawa back to the past but at the same time it's all so very much of the present. He should say _go with it? What the hell are you expecting me to **go with**?_ He should shove Ide away, walk out. 

And, what, go home?

Ide kisses him again, more fiercely this time, like he's actually saying, _don't act like you don't remember_. That's the thing, Aizawa _is_ remembering, he's remembering a lot, and - even as his mind yells at him to stop, he's considering that for god's sake, he hasn't seen Eriko in weeks, he can't remember the last time he touched anyone, he's barely even been getting himself off, and if he's stuck in the situation he is, then why the hell can't he subvert it, even a little? Ide will keep his mouth shut and Matsuda - Matsuda probably doesn't see anything _wrong_ with it. _Why the hell can't I -_

It's too much effort to control the anger and so he kisses Ide back, reaching up to grab his shoulders, and then when they break the kiss he can already feel himself needing, _wanting_ \- _just get it over with already_ \- Ide gets it, of course he does, he sinks to his knees and starts to undo Aizawa's flies. Aizawa feels the arousal jolt through him like lightning, months of frustration he didn't even know he had, and he fights not to start moaning and writhing in the chair like this is the best he's ever had. 

Matsuda has slid closer to them, sits watching, sleepy curiosity on his face. He doesn't seem to mind suddenly being abandoned, but all at once Ide stops what he's doing - Aizawa barely resists the urge to grab him by the hair and wrench his attention back to what's important - and reaches out to Matsuda. As the other man scrambles over to him, slumps against him, Ide kisses him and then he turns back to Aizawa and Aizawa very quickly stops being distracted by things he can see. What he can see isn't much, anyway. Matsuda has curled himself around Ide, leaning against the other man's back, reaching round to touch him, making his breathing catch. For a few moments, perhaps, none of them are thinking, they're just feeling - and Aizawa figures they probably all deserve that, if only right now.


End file.
